long time no post

Hard to believe I haven't updated this page in over a year. The past year has been...well, it's been something alright. That isn't to say migraines weren't there during any of it--they've been here all along, as always. Here are some things:

My lifestyle, my activity level(s), my diet...everything has changed. I'm still a vegetarian/mostly vegan(lactose intolerance will do that to ya), but now I implement much, much more protein in my diet on a daily basis. I'd say, for the most part, my diet is heavy on the protein and much lighter on the carbs. I eat a lot of seafood(mainly salmon, shrimp, white fish). I snack on a handful of almonds or granola as opposed to chips. So far this is working for me.

Activity level: I developed a love for yoga which quickly transitioned into weightlifting. Now I lift on a very regular basis, 6 days a week. I feel stronger overall, which cuts down on the back/neck pain, which in turn cuts down on head pain. This helped inspire me to change my lifestyle overall--I barely drink alcohol anymore and I don't really like to stay out past/or until midnight. Getting much more sleep helps with my chronic pain tremendously. Also, now that I live in Egypt, there is less for me to do in general...so it's easier to retire early. However, the added heat does aggravate my head pain, so I try to stay out of it when I can. I've also discovered that cigar smoke can trigger a bad headache if I'm around it for too long.

My big triggers nowadays are: menstrual cycle(per usual), and travel. I travel much more than I ever have in the past, and my travel is usually quite extensive. Egypt to the states and back again is about 24 hours of travel, which means uninterrupted sleep and food schedules. I keep snacks with me and try to get sleep when/where I can. Jet lag is a big trigger as well, but that's one of those things you have to go through to get through.

Supplements I currently take: B-complex, calcium, magnesium, biotin.

I'm back on Zoloft which has helped pain, but moreso depression/overactive mind. I also take Aleve on a near daily basis. I'm in a great place mentally, and physically I am stronger than I've ever been. Migraines are definitely something I live with and make do with. I try not to let it run my life...it will still come up and ruin plans now and again but, for the most part, I can identify triggers and avoid them.

National Migraine Month

June is National Migraine Month.

Educate yourself. Help a friend who suffers. Treat yourself better.

why have i been quiet?

My last day of work was May 1st. I moved to Ohio at the end of May, and have been enjoying not going to an office for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Oh what a difference a little freedom makes. Aside from one party foul migraine last month, I've been pretty much migraine free since work ended. Have I had headaches? Yes. Close calls? Yes. But thanks to a free schedule, I have the flexibility and freedom to troubleshoot the head pain, find the triggers, and treat myself appropriately.

This is somewhat of a wonder because I am currently weaning myself off my antidepressant, Zoloft. I started the second week of May, and now I'm down to 50, as opposed to the original 200 dose. This is huge, and quite frightening for me. I haven't been without this medication since 2009--so far my guts have been a mess and I've been much more quick to get to tears. I'm working hard on using my coping mechanisms and getting through it. I listen to my body. I follow a healthy diet, avoid my triggers, and work out every day.

It's nothing short of a miracle to have 1 migraine in over 1 month.

In a way, being more migraine-free brings on a whole new host of worries and fears. To be honest, there is the worry that I will need to live more fully. I will always feel like I live a half-life with these things--I will probably always be an easy target for the head pain. I will probably always have my triggers and anxieties when it comes to chronic pain. But to realize an opportunity to live a bit of a more fuller life? It's thrilling and very, very scary.

But yes mostly thrilling. More soon.

48 hour

I lost yesterday(Monday) to a migraine. It was a 2-dayer--Sunday and Monday, sunrise to darkness. On Sunday I played a soccer game and felt like half a brain and half a body. My head felt anvil-ish and when I look back the entire thing seems backlit by direct sunlight, so bright I can't even look at it.

Yesterday I talked with Jon at some point but don't really remember it. Around 5pm I felt completely worthless. Your body gets exhausted from tensing up against the pain, and then there is the pain itself. I managed one meal in late afternoon.

Jon said that talking to me was like talking to half a person, to someone not me. Today he said he was glad to have me back. Where do I go when the pain is too much? It's not on a map. It's not mine, that place. I can't lead you to it, and I can't access it without that unreal pain sitting shotgun, my key to this land of nowhere.

Today I felt much better, though I caught some words stuttering. I am so slow on that first day back. I tried to make a fist before even leaving bed. The cat knew--she stayed by my side. Today my appetite is back and I worked out. Tomorrow will be even better I'm sure.

My migraines have dropped in frequency--or at least they seem to be. I adhere to a fairly strict schedule--I'm in bed by 11pm on weeknights and almost never out by 2am on weekends. I'll have a drink here or there but that's it. Working out every day, cutting down on stress and stressful situations. Different things work for different people. Right now it's getting plenty of sleep and working up a good sweat. I'll stick to it.

Next: getting off my anti-depressants. I have a game plan, and I hope to be off of them completely by this fall.

long time, no post

I haven't updated this blog in a while. I wish I could say it's because I haven't had any migraines but that isn't true. The past few months I've been hit hard with head pain in tandem with my cycle--it starts a few days before my period starts(a few days before that I start feeling very depressed/achy/anxious...it took me a surprisingly long time to connect all of the dots on this one). The migraine will flicker on and off for a week from its start date. Last month and this month were both giant pains in the ass(and head). I end up bedridden with the spins and superstrong nausea, sensitivity to light and smells.

I struggle at times to explain what it feels like to have a hyper-sensitivity to the elements when I have a migraine. It truly does feel like the world is designed to be out to get you. Yesterday I left work early with the migraine rearing its head again, and on the bus a woman sat down next to me who had perfume on that instantly upped my head pain to a 9 or 10. Or even waiting at the bus, when it seems like every other person is a smoker and the wind is blowing it right in my face. Smells of food cooking or exhaust seem to pull the vomit right from my stomach. The world becomes overwhelming. I just want to run and hide.

Today I am feeling more and more like myself. It is ridiculous--the difference in me when in pain vs. when I'm not in pain. Everything is so much more complicated under the influence of pain. I need to wash my hair and clean my apartment AND prepare for two shows this weekend--I'm trying not to overwhelm myself by tackling it all tonight, but I do worry that I may not have another chance(what if the migraine comes back tomorrow night, for example? I hate to think these things, but have to).

My diet: I have strayed from how strict I was in past months in regards to my intake. I still avoid fermented foods and MSG when possible. The soda habit is STILL kicked, which is awesome--I've lost probably 5 to 7 pounds from abstaining from that alone. I've been lapsing on my smoothie game but hope to get back to it asap.

Supplements: Every day I take: Vitamin C, Vitamin D(especially now that it's winter), BComplex, Butterbur, Magnesium/Calcium. I am still a firm believer in this combination cutting down on the frequency and severity of my attacks.

I've had less attacks in the past 6 months, but the attacks are more intense in their own ways. Perhaps because I have less of them? Maybe because they seem to circle around my hormonal monthly rollercoaster? Maybe. It is still the pain I hate most in my life more than anything.

More soon.

updates

daily intake

This summer has been amazing. Of course I've had a migraine here and there but no super bad ones. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in quite some time--I've been lucky enough to catch them early/knock myself out before the dizziness gets too bad. Do I attribute this to my supplements? Yes I do.

Someone asked me recently if I thought they actually helped, or if it was a placebo effect. I answered them honestly: I don't fucking care. Either way it's working and making my life a helluva lot easier.

Migraines are the worst during my period, as always. It sucks, but whaddayagonnado. I'll take a bad hit once a month vs. a bad hit every week. I get through it.

The latest development is I kicked a lifelong soda habit. Kicked it completely. It wasn't easy. I grew up drinking soda, and up until a few months ago I averaged at least 2 cans of it a day. This is not to say I gave up caffeine--I don't see that happening any time soon(if ever). I replaced with soda with coffee and/or tea. It's been almost two months and I've lost about 5ish pounds by eliminating soda--my soda bloat is a thing of the past.

More soon. This is a bit rushed, but just wanted to update for once and say it's all steady as she goes. I'm in kick ass shape, living my life, and taking the pain as it comes. I feel like a champion, no doubt.

a vent

Oh boy. I'm going to vent here.

This isn't specific to migraines, but to health care in general.

I just got off the phone with UPMC physician services disputing charges on a few bills I received. I see my doctor regularly, every 3 months. The first thing I do when I show up is pay my copay. Every time. Luckily I use my debit card so I have a record of every payment. Yet! Because they charge it as a hospital payment and not as a physician payment, I get charged AGAIN for something I already paid. So. I have to call them and explain it like a 3 year old, even though it's not my responsibility to tell them how to do their job correctly.

And I'm one of the lucky ones because I HAVE insurance. A lot of individuals don't even have the luxury of having to dispute multiple charges for one bill. A lot of individuals can't even get in to see a doctor. It's messy no matter how you slice it.

Having a chronic ailment sucks hard. I couldn't imagine doing it without insurance. Truth: my current job IS my current job because I need the insurance. If I could be insured and wait tables for the rest of my life, I would. I would.

You would think that having to go to the hospital/specialists/doctors many times a year due to a chronic condition would, eventually, become easier. Or that, gosh forbid, a system would be in place to make things a bit more simple for those that need more monitoring than the average bear. But no. It's difficult every time. It's a hassle. Every time.

And, again, I say all of this with the privilege of being insured. I should be thankful to have these sorts of issues and woes, I guess? The system is flawed. Even being insured isn't enough.

Which is why I've veered towards the more natural path when it comes to getting a handle on my chronic pain. Sure, researching is a hassle on its own but it's SO WORTH IT. I've found more relief within the past 6 months than I ever found on any of my previous migraine medications(and I've been on A LOT). When the neurologist wanted to put me on Neurontin, that was my breaking point. The drug is scary to me. Side effects of nerve pain, loss of coordination...it's habit-forming, and I would have to get my blood checked every two weeks. Another pill to swallow every day. Instead of filling the prescription I went home and started reading.

I researched supplement, lifestyle changes, any/all possible triggers. I read a lot about Neurontin and shuddered at the thought. I made a choice, and took a lot of it in my own hands.

I don't understand why health care has to be so damn complicated. But it is. My suggestion: read the fine print. Question things. Don't just do what a doctor tells you to do. Do your own research. Ask questions. Be honest. Be honest with yourself. Consider your options.

This is a disjointed post but dealing with customer service this morning over bills I ALREADY PAID pissed me off a bit. Health care in this country sucks.

migraine and suicide linked

not surprised at all...

Migraine, Chronic Back Pain Tied to Suicide Risk

from WebMD

By Dennis Thompson

HealthDay Reporter
People who endure chronic migraines or back pain are more likely to attempt suicide, whether or not they also suffer from depression or another psychiatric condition, according to a new study.

"Clinicians who are seeing patients with certain pain conditions should be aware they are at increased risk of suicide," said study co-author Mark Ilgen, of the Veterans Affairs Serious Mental Illness Treatment Resource and Evaluation Center in Ann Arbor, Mich.

"Although undoubtedly psychiatric factors are important, there might be aspects of the pain that in and of themselves increase a person's risk," Ilgen said. "There might be something about someone with significant pain that puts them at increased risk."

The wide-ranging study, published online May 22 in the journal JAMA Psychiatry, involved more than 4.8 million people who received care from the U.S. Veterans Health Administration during fiscal year 2005. Researchers identified those suffering from chronic pain and tracked them for the next three years to see if any died from suicide.

The research team then looked for associations between suicide death -- the 10th most common cause of death in the United States -- and clinical diagnoses of chronic pain conditions, such as arthritis, back pain, migraines, neuropathy, headaches or tension headaches, fibromyalgia and psychogenic pain.

They found that all pain conditions except arthritis and neuropathy were associated with elevated suicide risk. But when they took into account the mental-health problems that chronic pain patients also had, the associations reduced for all but three types of chronic pain: back pain, migraines and psychogenic pain, which stems from psychological factors.

Dr. Elspeth Cameron Ritchie, a retired Army colonel and psychiatrist living in Washington, D.C., said the study clearly reinforces the anecdotal link between pain and suicide.

"It makes sense that pain is a risk factor for suicide," she said. "Often, suicide has several different things going on, but pain can be the straw that breaks the camel's back in terms of a person's decision not to go on."

Therapists performing a suicide-risk evaluation should consider adding a question regarding pain to the standard questions aimed at suicidal thoughts and planning, she said.

"It's not a standard question: 'Are you in pain?'" Ritchie said. "I would ask, 'Are you in pain?,' or 'Is pain an issue for you?'"

Psychogenic pain increased people's risk of suicide the most, followed by migraines and back pain. Psychogenic pain is chronic pain caused or exacerbated by mental or emotional problems, and Ilgen said it is a rare and not well understood condition.

"We think that's not so much about psychogenic pain per se, but the fact that the pain itself is poorly understood and may be poorly managed," Ilgen said. "There's not a clear treatment plan for that type of pain. It's likely that patients with this type of pain may be frustrated with their care and more hopeless and more at risk for suicide."

link to rest of article:

raw

I think that I'm ready to tweak this diet some more. If I can get to a 40-50% raw food diet, that would be ideal. Right now I'm at the beginning of the beginning. Research.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and stumbling across a raw vegan brownie recipe this evening sealed the deal.

Some awesome things:

- zucchini used in place of linguine. Julienne that shit lengthways to make noodles.

- pizza crust out of coconut meat, almond pulp, tomato, garlic, flax seed meal, and basil. Whaaaaaaaat? That sounds incredible.

- there is a recipe for raw vegan lasagna and it sounds delicious and looks kind of crazy.

- my eyebrows raise higher on my head every time I read another raw recipe.

And I'll definitely be documenting it. I can't wait to try kelp noodles. I can't wait to make cinnamon oranges for desert. Man oh man. This is gonna be fun.

white nailed on the wagon

Life's been good. Really good. Spring is here, and that always helps to boost the mood. And a boosted mood means less tension emotionally and physically, which means I can relax more, which means less pain. Which is a very very good thing.

I am still taking my supplements every day. Still reading the label of everything I ingest. This month I fell off track a little bit, in regards to taking care of meals myself. I get busy and/or I get home late and feel too lazy to cook meals ahead of time. This needs to change. The guilt of it is already eating at me. I haven't had a smoothie in a week. But if one falls, then one must simply get back up. So definitely starting the day off with a smoothie tomorrow.

Earlier this week I woke up with a pretty gnarly migraine. I knew I couldn't miss work--I was filling in for the receptionist and I'm out of time off for the month. At first I was really worried about getting to work, and making it through my day AND through my plans in the evening. I decided to give the whole "don't panic" thing a shot and breathed my way through the early a.m. I suited up for the ride and took the bike into work instead of the bus. The fresh air and exercise is often a wonderful help when it comes to my head pain. Blood pumping, lungs filling. It works for me. Before I hopped on the bike I took an Aleve. I drank water throughout the day and avoided all my food triggers. And I couldn't believe it: by 3pm I had shoved the pain completely out of my body.

That simply...never happens to me. If I have it, then I have it. It's hard for me to override the progression once it starts...especially if I find myself waking up with a migraine. But I did it.

I am feeling like a different person these days. I had a bunch of dead hair cut off my head and it feels pretty damn good. I've also been writing a lot these past few months...the truth is, with less migraines each week, I can get more done. It truly feels like I am blessed with extra days. I used to never have a Monday night wtihout some sort of head pain. Now, for the past 2 weeks I've been able to get out and do things on that evening. I find myself with all of this extra time and...opportunity. I can commit to social things, see people I adore, and workout every day like I want to. Less frequent pain means I have more free time, and it also means I am generally happier and less tense. My anxiety is starting to feel much more manageable. I fear these suckers so much...I'm not surprised in my new found level of calm.

My next goal is to find a therapist that I click with. I'm ready to tackle the emotional triggers. I've been in a push-me-pull-me state with it for most of my life...now I feel like I am ready to let all of it go. Getting my hair cut last weekend really triggered something in me in regards to being lighter. That lightness. I deserve it. I want it. I'm ready to fight for it and make it mine.

I have also started to reread A Brain Wider than the Sky, by Andrew Levy. I love ths book so much, more than any other text/literature written about migraines. I am maybe 3 pages in and already I have had tears in my eyes while reading. It feels like a miracle to read about this illness in a language that I can understand and relate to.

Bottom line: I am feeling less and less like an illness and more and more like a person. Someone that can function and can make plans AND take care of myself. So far so great.

update

The new diet is quickly becoming simply "my intake." The newness is fading. It is now a normal morning function--set up the blender, dump in my fruit, juice and flax seeds...fill my pill sorter with my daily intake. Some stats:

Supplements:

2 butterbur/day
2 magnesium/day
2 calcium & vitamin d/day
1 B Complex vitamin

Daily smoothie
blueberries, strawberries, orange-pineapple juice, flax seeds, cherries
(ingredients rotate depending on what I'm in the mood for)

I keep breakfast simple. Smoothie, Special K with Berries, 1 cup. Or an egg beater omelette with salsa on the weekend. I cook a lot more these days. I think it's simply par for the course when you are trying to weed out over processed foods and things like msg, corn syrup. I haven't had chinese take out since this whole thing started...at least 2 months now. I no longer miss it.

Grocery shopping continues to be quite the adventure--I read the labels of everything. No matter how much I might crave/want it, if it has too many ingredients and/or ingredients I can't pronounce, then I put it back. The one thing breaking this rule is caffeine. I vow to one day put down the soda.

I've been sleeping like a champ. If I'm having trouble, I take a melatonin and that does the trick.

I haven't had a bad migraine in about 2 weeks.

Every day I ride at least 10 miles on the bike trainer. Spin class at least once a week. Today I rode into work. As the weather warms up I'm excited for my mileage to increase as well. The hills were very easy today. Felt great.

All this to say I've found some things that work for me in terms of pain management and relief. It is not perfect, and I'm not "cured," by my goodness life has gotten so much better. Easier. I can commit to things and show up as opposed to having to cancel due to pain. I feel great about these changes and this is just the beginning.

on writing about it.

Going through old journal/writing archives. I found this entry from March, 4 years ago. I definitely still feel this way, though I write about dealing with migraines more often. It's still difficult, but that's alright.

March 31, 2009
So I heard a poem tonight with an all too familiar ring to it. The kind of thing that could have spilled from my own mouth. Not exactly, but pretty damn close. Immediately after the poet read her last piece for the evening, I jumped up and went to her, squishing past the thrones of students to touch her elbow so she would turn to me. I started in right away:

“Hi, I enjoyed your work immensely. Do you suffer from chronic pain?”

She squints at me, because I’m talking fast and direct. “Pardon me?”

“Do you suffer from chronic pain? I thought that one poem…”

A light appears, she nods. “I get migraines, yeah.”

“That’s what I thought. I’ve had chronic migraines for twenty years…”

And I’m kind of gushing at this point, trying to express how much it meant to hear a poem like that. I admit to her how scared I am to write at length about it, even more petrified to share it with others on a microphone. She nods and seems to understand. I say that much to her and then start to pull away, afraid that I approached her with too much. I just couldn’t hold back my feeling of…relief, I guess? To hear someone say it. To be encouraged and inspired by that. Her poem made my eyes well up, because I do not feel that brave yet, or else I am and I just haven’t found the means(or the time, or the space, or something) to tap into it yet.

I have so many feelings about it. It’s all I could think about on the ride home. It was so nice to hear someone else share perspective on the experience. It isn’t something people really talk about because I think sufferers build themselves to protect it, and there is a weird shame/embarrassment involved with being in pain that I can’t even begin to assign words to. Hearing one person’s poem about it on a Tuesday night is not enough, I know that much. I’m glad I could relate, and I’m glad that it moved me and I’m content with my approach to her afterward. But my story and mine, it is still trembling in a weird self-contained casing just under the surface, a raw egg dropped in a pan with the heat still off. Just waiting there slightly shaking. It’s not going to speak itself.

I tried once, at an open mic not too long ago. It was a weird situation. I didn’t feel heard. It’s a two part feeling. One, I do not feel that I expressed it to my full ability. I’m still working on that. Two, I think it wasn’t necessarily an issue of people not listening, but more about me paying more attention to what happened in the air after my sentences. In some way, a way that I cannot explain, I expected the sky to split. I expected the earth to take away my feet. In some tiny weird way, maybe I expected that release to be ultimate.

I have to realize that speaking about it isn’t going to absolve me of the illness. It isn’t going to take it away completely. That isn’t the aim, it isn’t the bulls eye. Speaking out is about awareness, wrapping my own head around it, letting other people in when sometimes I’d rather push them away. These are hard things to admit. When all you want is understanding, why would a person aim to be separate, for distance? It’s all a part of grasping how I feel about it. I seek a personal relief, and it doesn’t have to be(and isn’t going to be) grandiose. Maybe in segments and fractions and glimpses, and I’m okay with that. I’m beyond okay with that.

stats

(January 2013)



Among adults of all ages, migraine is one of the top 20 causes of disability expressed as years of healthy life lost to disability (The World Health Report 2001, WHO)

Severe migraine attacks are classified by the World Health Organisation as among the most disabling illnesses, comparable to dementia, quadriplegia and active psychosis (Shapiro & Goadsby, Cephalalgia, September 2007)

Migraine is the least publicly funded of all neurological illnesses relative to its economic impact (Shapiro & Goadsby, Cephalalgia, September 2007)


Depression is three times more common in people with migraine or severe headaches than in healthy individuals (WHO, Factsheet 277, March 2004)

Migraine remains undiagnosed and undertreated in at least 50% of patients, and less than 50% of migraine patients consult a physician (Pavone, Banfi, Vaiani & Panconesi, Cephalalgia, September 2007)

scattered complaining

Another discovery with this new diet of mine:

if you run out of the right stuff to eat, go back to the store and restock.

Simple, right? Not so when you're on a tighter than tight budget. This was my mistake for the past week. Not having the right stuff in my pantry meant cutting corners, which meant eating more of the "not right" stuff. Which, you know, end result: stupid headaches. Migraine, headache. Refrain refrain. Add the cycle of hormones to this and boom: first class in hell.

I have no one to blame but myself for this. I'm kicking myself hard for it, despite my best efforts not to. Tomorrow I go to the grocery store and properly redeem myself.

It's the guilt. The guilt, guilt guilt. Bonecrushing sometimes, the shit we pile on ourselves for not being strict enough, for not being able to follow through, etc etc. The migraines pull all of it to the surface. How can one feel guilty for being sick? It's real easy when you find yourself being sick more often than not.

These are just thoughts. I'm just spilling em.

Other things on my mind:

I'm not a huge fan of public transportation, but I'm glad it's there when I need it. Lately the weather has been too shitty to commute in by bike, so I'm stuck riding the bus to/from work. Little things(but big things to me) drive me bonkers about public transportation--nothing makes me see red faster than a crowded standing room only bus with one or two idiots taking up two seats by placing their belongings in the empty one next to them.

The bus is also a trigger for migraines...more frequently than I care to admit. There are individuals that wear heavy, heavy perfume. People that slather it on as you're sitting next to them. Or someone sits down in front of me that just hotboxed a cigarette at the bus stop. These smells can send me straight to hell if I'm already hurting. What do I do? I change seats. One time the entire bus smelled like exhaust, I had a migraine, and the combination of that drove me off the bus half a mile from my usual stop so I could throw up.

I know what smells trigger my pain--know it as soon as it hits my nostrils. I wrap my scarf around my mouth or I bury my face in my hat. There is nothing you can do about these public triggers--when people get ready in the morning it's not up to them to know if their perfume will make my head hurt. I am well aware of that which isn't in my control. One can never tell what the person next to you or behind you is going through. I know this and yet I cannot express how angry I get when I realize that someone's scent of choice is going to put my head in the toilet. I catch myself getting angry in the moment even though there is nowhere to direct that emotion. It's better to stay calm, keep breathing, and covering the nose.

This particular post has no point really. I've had a migraine hanging around for over 24 hours now and I'm just hoping that it will move on like a storm cloud.

isolation

"Migraine headaches are excruciatingly painful, exhausting, and scary, but almost worse than the head pain and nausea of migraine disorder is the inevitable sense of isolation- the feeling that you are alone, adrift on a raft amidst a sea of tumultuous waves of pain. Social isolation is common in chronic pain illness, but by learning some valuable coping skills, you can beat the odds."

"Sunday night I had an epic crying session. I wanted out of this body, this cage. I was tired of having to fight to do the smallest tasks, like eating or showering. I didn’t want be sick anymore. I howled and shook with frustration and fear for hours."

"People with migraines often feel isolated. The unpredictable attacks can make it difficult to plan or participate in social functions, family events or fulfill work responsibilities. A 2010 study of 246 adults who suffer from persistent migraines found that family members and friends often don’t understand and are sometimes even skeptical of the extreme discomfort sufferers experience. The study found that those with chronic migraines feel stigmatized more than people with other brain disorders. Migraine sufferers feel more rejected, ridiculed and ostracized by the people around them and the condition worsens the more severe the migraines."

These are excerpts plucked from various sources on the internet regarding migraines and feelings of isolation. This is something I struggle with a lot, especially more as an adult. As a teenager they weren't as frequent, and I would fight through them because I had no interest in being confined to a bed when there were things to do and sports to be played and tests to take. Now with their frequency and severity, it's pretty much impossible for me to just ignore it and go about my day.

I have a hard time with this. It ain't pretty. In the depths of a migraine attack I will phone friends just to hear a voice, just to feel connected. It's basically me crying while they stumble through what to say to me. I've perfected my migraine cry. See, crying hard makes the head hurt worse, so now I cry with hardly any tension. No squinting, no sobbing if I can help it. I let the tears just come, I let my face fall to my feet. In those moments you can't NOT cry. But it hurts so you kind of have to event a less painful way to mourn the situation.

It's hard to have people around on a logical level during a migraine attack. There isn't much I can do--can't jump around or talk a lot, can't really provide entertainment aside from continual vomiting and writhing. But I cannot stress how vital human presence is to me in such a vulnerable state. I'm well aware that it probably doesn't make much sense but with pain and need I don't find sense-making to be a top priority. How many friends have come to sit with me or spend the night during these moments? Not many. I can name two. I don't blame them. It isn't fun. Who wants to see someone else in pain? I'll say it again: it ain't pretty. But human presence...at a time when I feel so out of my body and mind, when I feel disconnected to everything but pain...that human presence reminds me that there is gravity, an Earth, a tether. When the pain gets really bad I feel quite desperate, and that desperation scares me so much. This is also why another person's presence is so important to me. Even if they go in the other room while I lay in bed suffering through it that's fine. It is the shared air that calms me. With someone there I will not be driven to harm myself. I don't know how else to say it.

This feeling of isolation swells and shrinks. It is not permanent, but when it comes it feels quite set in stone. When I am not sick, it hovers somewhere just behind me, waiting. Tiny but there. I know people that suffer from chronic pain, but not many--even less will openly talk about it. This leads me to wonder if I should look into starting a support group, or finding one to join. It is hard to have a foot in both words and to straddle it all--a foot in the actual world and a foot in the world of pain. It would be nice to have others to talk about it with.

Isolation sucks. It hurts. At my core, I am not a lonely person. I kind of feel forced to be. It breaks my heart.

migraine pathophysiology

Ah I love brains.

the beginning of the beginning

Change is tough, especially when it comes to breaking habits...especially habits that taste really damn good and aren't that good for you. I'm 31 and still cling to a not-so-secret soda habit. The comfort in it is long gone, and now the act of ingesting it is more reflex than anything. This alone blares big and neon to me, like HEY PAY ATTENTION AND MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO BE INVOLVED IN YOUR INTAKE! Which leads me to right now, when I'm trying to be.

A list of migraine triggering foods is long, incomplete and not the same for you as it is for me. Triggers can vary from person to person. However, there are a few hard-hitting triggers such as:

- caffeine
- msg
- red wine (which I haven't had a glass of since I was about 20 years old. I know better)

Caffeine is something I find quite tricky, since it is a main ingredient in some medicines that are used to treat headaches(such as Excedrin Migraine and Cafergot). Personally, I feel like I have an internal dial set to a specific amount of caffeine. Too much too soon and I'm in a world of hurt. Too little too late? Again, I'm in a world of hurt. I am starting to cut back on my caffeine intake. Slowly, ever so slowly. I fear the headaches brought on by caffeine withdrawal(which can last up to 2 weeks).

MSG. I am making a conscious effort to remove this from my diet whenever/wherever possible. Saying this breaks my heart a little bit, because it means no more cheap chinese take out. You must understand that I loooove my chinese food.

the creepy thing about MSG is that it isn't always listed as MSG. It is monosodium glutamate. It may be also called: autolyzed yeaste, sodium/calcium caseinate, glutamic acid, gelatin.

At present there is an FDA requirement to include the protein source when listing hydrolyzed protein products on labels of processed foods. Examples are hydrolyzed soy protein, hydrolyzed wheat protein, hydrolyzed pea protein, hydrolyzed whey protein, hydrolyzed corn protein. If a tomato, for example, were whole, it would be identified as a tomato. Calling an ingredient tomato protein indicates that the tomato has been hydrolyzed, at least in part, and that processed free glutamic acid (MSG) is present.

This is the first and most important step in changing my diet thus far: READ LABELS. Read the label of everything you ingest. If you don't have a label for what you are eating and it's possible, then ask about the ingredients. Right now I'm doing my best to NOT eat foods label-less(this also helps me to abstain from eating out a lot and pushes me to cook mroe at home). I think people, in general, would eat very differently if they had to read the labels/ingredients for everything ingested. Most of it is impossible for the common human to interpret let alone pronounce.

Today I read the ingredients on my baby carrots. It looked like this:

INGREDIENTS: Carrots

There is a lot of information packed onto labels so do yourself a favor and learn how to read them. There are lots of resources on the web to help. Such as this one:


Also, when reading ingredients, pay special attention to the first three or four ingredients listed. Ingredients are listed from most to last. If you see high fructose corn syrup listed second, then yeah. It's got some crap in it. Probably unhealthy.

Again, this is a long process for me. Next week I start replacing one meal a week with a smoothie packed with spinach(magnesium), orange juice(vitamin c), flax seed and other nontrigger fruits.

Here is a list of things that I have cut from my diet so far, as they are potential migraine triggers for me. I will update this list as my diet evolves. Right now, it's quite short:

- avocados (this makes me sad)
- balsamic vinegar
- veggie burgers
- potato chips
- kimchi (sigh. I will miss you so)

More soon because this lady is just getting started. So far it's been rather easy, but I know it's only going to get more challenging. Will I ever give up my comfort in soda? Will I give up my precious french fries? I shudder to think. Buuuuut if it means less migraines then it's worth it.