a midsummer update

I realize I need to update this blog more. Here are some things:

I had one hardcore migraine while I was in Egypt. Triggered after drinking some wine the night before. I threw up lots of Gatorade, and slept until I felt better. She passed within 10 hours. I ate once that day.

I had one last night but hit the pillow just in time. I fell asleep with half a sleeping pill in me and a cold wash rag on my head. I had strange dreams but woke up feeling much better. This one triggered by my cycle(it's the minefield week--when all potential triggers are glowing neon and in my way, and more things than not spark the dull pain).

I've been trying a new meal plan where I eat 5 small meals a day. I like it so far. Tomorrow I leave for Florida for a week and I'm looking forward to getting some decent seafood.

I don't really drink anymore. I had some gin and tonics in Egypt(and that awful wine) but I am too petrified by the prospect of a hangover(which always always turns into a ridiculous migraine battle). The buzz isn't worth the aftermath. Because of this I'm learning to be quite careful with my intake and that makes me happy. There was a time in my life when I didn't understand limits with alcohol--I drank to get drunk, to feel it the next day. It's so much better to be responsible.

I am still taking B-Complex vitamins as well as magnesium and butterber. I'm hydrated like whoa. Even when I drink a coffee, I have water right along with it. I will have a soda now and then, but very rarely. The kicking of that lifelong habit is still such a victory for me.

I've noticed with age that my sweettooth has diminished greatly. The sweets I want are fruits, if anything. Now if only jelly beans ceased existing. Quite a few of my migraines this year have been triggered by eating too many jelly beans. Oh my delicious kryptonite.

I've been off antidepressants completely for one month. I'm very happy to report that my number of migraines has stayed very very low since then. I was worried that my head might bloom into a war zone once I stopped taking them. I believe that not working in an office has changed the game, headache-wise. It's so nice to have the freedom to treat the pain before it becomes unmanageable.

why have i been quiet?

My last day of work was May 1st. I moved to Ohio at the end of May, and have been enjoying not going to an office for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Oh what a difference a little freedom makes. Aside from one party foul migraine last month, I've been pretty much migraine free since work ended. Have I had headaches? Yes. Close calls? Yes. But thanks to a free schedule, I have the flexibility and freedom to troubleshoot the head pain, find the triggers, and treat myself appropriately.

This is somewhat of a wonder because I am currently weaning myself off my antidepressant, Zoloft. I started the second week of May, and now I'm down to 50, as opposed to the original 200 dose. This is huge, and quite frightening for me. I haven't been without this medication since 2009--so far my guts have been a mess and I've been much more quick to get to tears. I'm working hard on using my coping mechanisms and getting through it. I listen to my body. I follow a healthy diet, avoid my triggers, and work out every day.

It's nothing short of a miracle to have 1 migraine in over 1 month.

In a way, being more migraine-free brings on a whole new host of worries and fears. To be honest, there is the worry that I will need to live more fully. I will always feel like I live a half-life with these things--I will probably always be an easy target for the head pain. I will probably always have my triggers and anxieties when it comes to chronic pain. But to realize an opportunity to live a bit of a more fuller life? It's thrilling and very, very scary.

But yes mostly thrilling. More soon.

48 hour

I lost yesterday(Monday) to a migraine. It was a 2-dayer--Sunday and Monday, sunrise to darkness. On Sunday I played a soccer game and felt like half a brain and half a body. My head felt anvil-ish and when I look back the entire thing seems backlit by direct sunlight, so bright I can't even look at it.

Yesterday I talked with Jon at some point but don't really remember it. Around 5pm I felt completely worthless. Your body gets exhausted from tensing up against the pain, and then there is the pain itself. I managed one meal in late afternoon.

Jon said that talking to me was like talking to half a person, to someone not me. Today he said he was glad to have me back. Where do I go when the pain is too much? It's not on a map. It's not mine, that place. I can't lead you to it, and I can't access it without that unreal pain sitting shotgun, my key to this land of nowhere.

Today I felt much better, though I caught some words stuttering. I am so slow on that first day back. I tried to make a fist before even leaving bed. The cat knew--she stayed by my side. Today my appetite is back and I worked out. Tomorrow will be even better I'm sure.

My migraines have dropped in frequency--or at least they seem to be. I adhere to a fairly strict schedule--I'm in bed by 11pm on weeknights and almost never out by 2am on weekends. I'll have a drink here or there but that's it. Working out every day, cutting down on stress and stressful situations. Different things work for different people. Right now it's getting plenty of sleep and working up a good sweat. I'll stick to it.

Next: getting off my anti-depressants. I have a game plan, and I hope to be off of them completely by this fall.

updates

daily intake

This summer has been amazing. Of course I've had a migraine here and there but no super bad ones. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in quite some time--I've been lucky enough to catch them early/knock myself out before the dizziness gets too bad. Do I attribute this to my supplements? Yes I do.

Someone asked me recently if I thought they actually helped, or if it was a placebo effect. I answered them honestly: I don't fucking care. Either way it's working and making my life a helluva lot easier.

Migraines are the worst during my period, as always. It sucks, but whaddayagonnado. I'll take a bad hit once a month vs. a bad hit every week. I get through it.

The latest development is I kicked a lifelong soda habit. Kicked it completely. It wasn't easy. I grew up drinking soda, and up until a few months ago I averaged at least 2 cans of it a day. This is not to say I gave up caffeine--I don't see that happening any time soon(if ever). I replaced with soda with coffee and/or tea. It's been almost two months and I've lost about 5ish pounds by eliminating soda--my soda bloat is a thing of the past.

More soon. This is a bit rushed, but just wanted to update for once and say it's all steady as she goes. I'm in kick ass shape, living my life, and taking the pain as it comes. I feel like a champion, no doubt.

white nailed on the wagon

Life's been good. Really good. Spring is here, and that always helps to boost the mood. And a boosted mood means less tension emotionally and physically, which means I can relax more, which means less pain. Which is a very very good thing.

I am still taking my supplements every day. Still reading the label of everything I ingest. This month I fell off track a little bit, in regards to taking care of meals myself. I get busy and/or I get home late and feel too lazy to cook meals ahead of time. This needs to change. The guilt of it is already eating at me. I haven't had a smoothie in a week. But if one falls, then one must simply get back up. So definitely starting the day off with a smoothie tomorrow.

Earlier this week I woke up with a pretty gnarly migraine. I knew I couldn't miss work--I was filling in for the receptionist and I'm out of time off for the month. At first I was really worried about getting to work, and making it through my day AND through my plans in the evening. I decided to give the whole "don't panic" thing a shot and breathed my way through the early a.m. I suited up for the ride and took the bike into work instead of the bus. The fresh air and exercise is often a wonderful help when it comes to my head pain. Blood pumping, lungs filling. It works for me. Before I hopped on the bike I took an Aleve. I drank water throughout the day and avoided all my food triggers. And I couldn't believe it: by 3pm I had shoved the pain completely out of my body.

That simply...never happens to me. If I have it, then I have it. It's hard for me to override the progression once it starts...especially if I find myself waking up with a migraine. But I did it.

I am feeling like a different person these days. I had a bunch of dead hair cut off my head and it feels pretty damn good. I've also been writing a lot these past few months...the truth is, with less migraines each week, I can get more done. It truly feels like I am blessed with extra days. I used to never have a Monday night wtihout some sort of head pain. Now, for the past 2 weeks I've been able to get out and do things on that evening. I find myself with all of this extra time and...opportunity. I can commit to social things, see people I adore, and workout every day like I want to. Less frequent pain means I have more free time, and it also means I am generally happier and less tense. My anxiety is starting to feel much more manageable. I fear these suckers so much...I'm not surprised in my new found level of calm.

My next goal is to find a therapist that I click with. I'm ready to tackle the emotional triggers. I've been in a push-me-pull-me state with it for most of my life...now I feel like I am ready to let all of it go. Getting my hair cut last weekend really triggered something in me in regards to being lighter. That lightness. I deserve it. I want it. I'm ready to fight for it and make it mine.

I have also started to reread A Brain Wider than the Sky, by Andrew Levy. I love ths book so much, more than any other text/literature written about migraines. I am maybe 3 pages in and already I have had tears in my eyes while reading. It feels like a miracle to read about this illness in a language that I can understand and relate to.

Bottom line: I am feeling less and less like an illness and more and more like a person. Someone that can function and can make plans AND take care of myself. So far so great.

update

The new diet is quickly becoming simply "my intake." The newness is fading. It is now a normal morning function--set up the blender, dump in my fruit, juice and flax seeds...fill my pill sorter with my daily intake. Some stats:

Supplements:

2 butterbur/day
2 magnesium/day
2 calcium & vitamin d/day
1 B Complex vitamin

Daily smoothie
blueberries, strawberries, orange-pineapple juice, flax seeds, cherries
(ingredients rotate depending on what I'm in the mood for)

I keep breakfast simple. Smoothie, Special K with Berries, 1 cup. Or an egg beater omelette with salsa on the weekend. I cook a lot more these days. I think it's simply par for the course when you are trying to weed out over processed foods and things like msg, corn syrup. I haven't had chinese take out since this whole thing started...at least 2 months now. I no longer miss it.

Grocery shopping continues to be quite the adventure--I read the labels of everything. No matter how much I might crave/want it, if it has too many ingredients and/or ingredients I can't pronounce, then I put it back. The one thing breaking this rule is caffeine. I vow to one day put down the soda.

I've been sleeping like a champ. If I'm having trouble, I take a melatonin and that does the trick.

I haven't had a bad migraine in about 2 weeks.

Every day I ride at least 10 miles on the bike trainer. Spin class at least once a week. Today I rode into work. As the weather warms up I'm excited for my mileage to increase as well. The hills were very easy today. Felt great.

All this to say I've found some things that work for me in terms of pain management and relief. It is not perfect, and I'm not "cured," by my goodness life has gotten so much better. Easier. I can commit to things and show up as opposed to having to cancel due to pain. I feel great about these changes and this is just the beginning.

that old mortal feeling

Last night the migraine arrived after much quiet knocking. At least it had the patience to wait until after work and some miles on the bike. I went to bed at 11 feeling awful, and woke up at 3am to puke. I woke up every hour til 8am doing the same thing. Puking my guts out.

I'm about to go to bed and I'm still kinda recovering--I feel a little disoriented, a little stumbly and forgetful. These things pass. Of course the real bit I'm struggling with is how I feel emotionally after being migraine free for 10 days. That is a long period of time for me. I wasn't feeling "cured" but I was feeling alive. Alive. I felt limitless, but not reckless. I can't describe that type of amazing. Obviously I feel the sting after being sick last night.

A pause here to kind of explain my migraine recovery. The first day after a migraine sucks in its own special way. Total newborn status. I'm exhausted, uncomfortable, and more often than not I am still in some pain. Emotions are pressed up to the surface. This specific kind of melancholy while the serotonin fills back up. At the same time it feels like a miracle to sit upright, to walk, to engage in a conversation. That shit feels incredibly surreal after feeling what feels like dying. But then there you are, the other side.

All this to say I'm okay with it. One migraine in ten days? That's huge. It's getting better. I'm staying steady with my diet and exercise. My butterbur arrived in the mail on Saturday so I've added that to the arsenal. Super B, magnesium, butterbur daily.

This migraine wasn't as awful as it could've been(even though throwing up so much always sucks and makes things a bit more difficult...as in ever throw up while your head is being pulled apart?). The thing that helped me the most was staying calm. I hate getting sick but knew it was going to happen. All I could do was make myself as comfortable as possible and go with it. When I couldn't get quite over the edge I would just do a neck roll and for some reason that would trigger the lurch in my stomach perfectly. I'm proud of myself for staying calm. I didn't cry and I didn't feel helpless. Today I recovered by doing what I had to do--forced myself to eat a little something, slept and slept and slept. But I didn't baby myself--as soon as I could, I got moving. The sooner I caught up with my "normalcy" the better I felt emotionally. You get up, you get back in the game. While I've always known it and believed it, that attitude is fairly new to me with this stuff. I feel much more in control since making changes. And last night's pain can't take away those 10 days. Onward.

remember this, self.

Today marks one week with no migraines.

If you were me you would find this slightly amazing.

I'm following my diet, taking my supplements, and reducing my triggers. And filling my life with more things I love and less of what stresses me out. It's a simple formula. And it's working.

I can't even...yeah. I'm happy.

stupendous

This is the first Monday in many weeks...maybe even months...that I did not leave work with a migraine.

Instead I came home, worked out, made dinner, cleaned a bit, and did some writing.

Honestly, it was like getting time added to my clock. A mighty pleasant surprise. So thankful to spend a Monday evening NOT in pain.