scattered complaining

Another discovery with this new diet of mine:

if you run out of the right stuff to eat, go back to the store and restock.

Simple, right? Not so when you're on a tighter than tight budget. This was my mistake for the past week. Not having the right stuff in my pantry meant cutting corners, which meant eating more of the "not right" stuff. Which, you know, end result: stupid headaches. Migraine, headache. Refrain refrain. Add the cycle of hormones to this and boom: first class in hell.

I have no one to blame but myself for this. I'm kicking myself hard for it, despite my best efforts not to. Tomorrow I go to the grocery store and properly redeem myself.

It's the guilt. The guilt, guilt guilt. Bonecrushing sometimes, the shit we pile on ourselves for not being strict enough, for not being able to follow through, etc etc. The migraines pull all of it to the surface. How can one feel guilty for being sick? It's real easy when you find yourself being sick more often than not.

These are just thoughts. I'm just spilling em.

Other things on my mind:

I'm not a huge fan of public transportation, but I'm glad it's there when I need it. Lately the weather has been too shitty to commute in by bike, so I'm stuck riding the bus to/from work. Little things(but big things to me) drive me bonkers about public transportation--nothing makes me see red faster than a crowded standing room only bus with one or two idiots taking up two seats by placing their belongings in the empty one next to them.

The bus is also a trigger for migraines...more frequently than I care to admit. There are individuals that wear heavy, heavy perfume. People that slather it on as you're sitting next to them. Or someone sits down in front of me that just hotboxed a cigarette at the bus stop. These smells can send me straight to hell if I'm already hurting. What do I do? I change seats. One time the entire bus smelled like exhaust, I had a migraine, and the combination of that drove me off the bus half a mile from my usual stop so I could throw up.

I know what smells trigger my pain--know it as soon as it hits my nostrils. I wrap my scarf around my mouth or I bury my face in my hat. There is nothing you can do about these public triggers--when people get ready in the morning it's not up to them to know if their perfume will make my head hurt. I am well aware of that which isn't in my control. One can never tell what the person next to you or behind you is going through. I know this and yet I cannot express how angry I get when I realize that someone's scent of choice is going to put my head in the toilet. I catch myself getting angry in the moment even though there is nowhere to direct that emotion. It's better to stay calm, keep breathing, and covering the nose.

This particular post has no point really. I've had a migraine hanging around for over 24 hours now and I'm just hoping that it will move on like a storm cloud.