a 2 day doozy

I don't really want to write about this, since I'm still recovering and memories are fresh...but if I don't I'm afraid details/feelings/things will be lost to time/that thing my mind does with migraines where it doesn't really want to remember the gorey things. Anyway, here goes.

Saturday I had a late night and Sunday I woke up feeling less than stellar. I had a reading on Sunday at 2:20, figuring it was plenty of recovery time. I hydrated, and then met up with two writer friends at a coffee shop down the street to get my caffeine intake.

I felt fine for about an hour, and then the world started tilting. In the car, I managed to hold off puking until we were on the North Side. I stumbled out of the car in some church parking lot, kneeled down, and puked my guts out. With my sunglasses still on--a detail that is silly but one I will always remember I think. I got back into the car, shaking and wiping my mouth with napkins.

Once we were at the reading I sat on the curb and could only stand it for 20 minutes before I flagged my ride over and asked him to take me home. I stretched across his backseat for the duration and once at my apartment, died. At least that's how it felt/reads back to me in retrospect. I stripped off my clothes, made a bed on the couch, brought the trash can in lined with a new plastic bag, and died.

What that death really meant was: throwing up everything I ingested. Including water and medicine and vitamins. I don't know when I'll be able to forget the awful bitter taste of a vitamin coming back up only partially-digested. I threw up from the couch. In the bathroom. On my knees in the hallway. On my knees in the kitchen, in the dining room. Out of my nose. I threw up while my neighbor's television blared some violent movie. I threw up so hard that I thought I busted something. If the nausea came but didn't fully trigger puking I could just roll my eyes up and apply slight pressure to my temple with fingertips. Them boom--instant vomiting. The migraine switched--the first day(Sunday) it was on the left side of my head. The second day(Monday) it was on my right. For two days I did nothing but hydrate, puke, take melatonin, puke, sleep, puke, and listen to the audio of old Family Ties reruns on my Netflix. I was in pain, plenty of it. The only thing that made me feel better was to bounce or move one leg over and over again.

Dylan brought me soup and crackers in the middle of the day on Monday, which saved my ass. I couldn't stand upright let alone cook anything, and I had already tried to eat/threw up bland ramen noodles earlier. He stayed for a minute, then I was on my own again. Some of the soup stayed down. Some of it came back up. I crawled from living room to bedroom to bathroom trying to get comfortable. I pleaded with my hazy reflection in the toilet. I prayed, which is something I've sincerely done now only 3 times in my life. I prayed. That's how much I hurt. I prayed for the pain to go, or for my life to end. Something, anything, relief of some kind. This attack drove me to a kind of delirium I haven't experienced since going the supplement route. I forgot how ugly they can be, these migraine attacks.

Today it took all my strength to get to work. I made it in by 11am, 3 hours past my start time but at least I made it. It was a miracle to be upright, even though my hands shook so badly on the bus while I drank my vitamin water that I could tell people across from me were staring. I wore my sunglasses until I absolutely had to take them off. I nursed a bowl of chicken noodle soup for 2 hours, and even then only ate half of it. I'm taking it 5 minutes at a time, and with each of those segments I feel stronger and stronger. I can't make a fist, I'm still dizzy and I don't feel so solid on my feet. But at least I'm upright.

The pain was insane. I don't have words, descriptions for it. The squeezing, the blaring, the feeling of being on fire. As many of my previous bad ones, I thought this was the big one. The final something-something to take me out. Yesterday I considered the hospital but fought to stay writhing on that couch instead.

Today I am left with the feeling of a deep deep sadness--the kind that only comes after a bad migraine, the kind that is chemical-fueled and that I can't do much about. I feel completely misunderstood, alone, scared, and very very small. I feel like I'm out of touch with the world...that I went to hell these past few days and I'm not quite completely back yet. Hopefully in another day or two I will return. Til then, I just hold on. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. Holding on.

updates

daily intake

This summer has been amazing. Of course I've had a migraine here and there but no super bad ones. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in quite some time--I've been lucky enough to catch them early/knock myself out before the dizziness gets too bad. Do I attribute this to my supplements? Yes I do.

Someone asked me recently if I thought they actually helped, or if it was a placebo effect. I answered them honestly: I don't fucking care. Either way it's working and making my life a helluva lot easier.

Migraines are the worst during my period, as always. It sucks, but whaddayagonnado. I'll take a bad hit once a month vs. a bad hit every week. I get through it.

The latest development is I kicked a lifelong soda habit. Kicked it completely. It wasn't easy. I grew up drinking soda, and up until a few months ago I averaged at least 2 cans of it a day. This is not to say I gave up caffeine--I don't see that happening any time soon(if ever). I replaced with soda with coffee and/or tea. It's been almost two months and I've lost about 5ish pounds by eliminating soda--my soda bloat is a thing of the past.

More soon. This is a bit rushed, but just wanted to update for once and say it's all steady as she goes. I'm in kick ass shape, living my life, and taking the pain as it comes. I feel like a champion, no doubt.